Sibling Rivalry, Responsibilities and Caring for Ageing Elders

Caring for loved ones doesn’t have to be a struggle.
Have you just returned from seeing your ageing elders over the summer holidays and now you’re feeling alone, as you ‘strategise’ with your siblings about what “care” for your ageing parents looks like?
If you’re feeling suddenly overwhelmed with being the only offspring seemingly caring about your family member’s future, it may be time to bring your concerns to your siblings.
Sometimes the best course of action is not to suffer in silence , but be direct about your wants and needs as a primary carer.
Don’t wait till the “wheels fall off the bus” before initiating these very important conversations!

Whose responsibility is it to care for a families elders?

The responsibility of managing all the care details on behalf of an ageing relative often falls to just ONE of the family members.
If that person is you, you may be feeling overwhelmed – and frankly, resentful about having to do it all.
Further to my post about having a direct and empowering conversation with your ageing parent/favourite family member; let’s discuss some of the action you can take now that you’ve returned from that visit.

It is a fact that our ageing Australians are living longer than ever before – and as our baby-boomers are just starting to approach 75 years of age*, the conversation around future Care is going to become more and more commonplace.

If you find yourself in the position of being the sole driver of your family members’ care, you can choose to embrace this experience – or, choose resent it fully.
I truly recommend embracing the experience and being proud of the opportunity to play an important part in the graceful ageing of your family member.
You will know you have left nothing unsaid.

4 Sibling conversation strategies around Family Care

1. I recommend reading the first chapter ‘Family Planning’ in Australian comedian Jean Kitson’s extremely informative book: ‘We need to talk about Mum & Dad’.
   Her message (and mine): ‘It’s not about you. It’s about them.’ and ‘Planning is good. Ambush is not. A consistent check-in process where your elders set the agenda is important.’
2.  Read the whole book! (Or set up a meeting with me to cut-to-the chase and discuss your family members needs and the best way to move forward)
3. Request your siblings’ input regarding care with a Family-Zoom conversation.
   You can send an invitation to your siblings, with bullet point discussion topics of what you wish to cover; and ask for everyone’s input on the day.
   If anyone cannot attend, they can send some items for discussion in advance
   Keep it the meeting open and conversational and don’t be upset if particular siblings act a certain way – or don’t even show-up.
4. If the meeting doesn’t go to plan (or you anticipate it won’t) you can initiate some advocacy via OPAN.org.au or contact Susan who will act as a gentle chairperson /impartial time-keeper.

Bring your siblings into the Respite Care conversation

If you are the primary Carer, you truly deserve some time away from the heavy burden of this responsibility.

Respite Care (where your ageing loved one is looked after while you have a break from being responsible) is available for you. You can contact Carer’s Gateway; or request a discussion with Susan regarding Residential Respite placement finding.
(Read more about Respite Care )

4 Sibling conversation strategies around Respite Care

1. Create a Family Calendar, outlining specific days where your siblings can become involved in their care.
   Share the 12-month calendar layout with your siblings, and request their input in either looking after your elder; or contributing to the (potential) cost of Respite care over those periods.
   Chances are you’ve managed to discuss care with your ageing loved on over the summer holiday, Christmas break. How did it go?
   The tasks can vary from being responsible for driving your elder to specialist appointments; taking notes and sharing back to you/the siblings; through to taking over from you for a two to three days (initially); potentially expanding to a week or more, to allow you to connect with your own family.
   Let’s discuss some of the considerations before you let a sibling whisk your ageing elder away for a week overseas (or similar!)
2. Consider In-Home Respite Care; where a skilled Carer can spend several hours at a time, through to overnight shifts, addressing meal preparation, personal care or socialisation including walks to the local shops or through the neighbourhood.
   Accessing subsidised Home Care via the government’s Home Care Package Program needs some forward thinking and an ACAT assessment – all possible IF you get started on the process now!
3. There are also Day-Centres that offer day-time Respite Care.
   Usually facilitated with a bus pick-up around 10am and drop-off at 3pm, the agenda is filled with outings to gardens, interesting activities and socialisation. Your local community centre should have suggestions to match your loved ones interests.
4. Lastly, if you know in advance you have specific times of the year you need to travel or be with your own family on holidays, plan for Residential Respite Care well in advance.
   If your elder has been assessed by the ACAT Team, it is quite likely they will have received a code for Residential Respite Care.|
   If not – it’s quite easy to request. You can access up to 63 days per financial year of subsidised residential respite care – which can even be extended a further 21 days, if applied-for…
   You will need to pay the ‘Basic Daily Fee’ which is calculated at 85% of the age-pension and currently equates to $53.56 per day.
   The residential facility will provide your loved one with their own room and bathroom, all meals, and access to a calendar of interesting activities. There may be an ‘extras’ fee for glasses of wine/beer with meals, newspapers or external excursions, etc.

What is Respite Care?

Know more before you start a conversation.

Note: If the response from your siblings is one of uncomfortable silence to outright objection to your request; perhaps ask them to contribute financially to the cost of the residential respite care or having In-home Carers provide the in-home care/respite.

It’s normal to feel overwhelm, it may be time to bring your concerns to your siblings.

Sometimes the best course of action is not to suffer in silence –  be direct about your wants and needs as a primary carer to help your siblings understand.
Don’t wait till the “wheels fall off the bus” before initiating these very important conversations!
I can help – Contact me!

References”It’s normal to feel overwhelm, it may be time to bring your concerns to your siblings.”

* Boomers I +II 1946-1964 = 75 to 57 years of age in 2021

Age Range by Generation